One week and counting!

One week. That is all I have left in Kaffrine, the community I've served for the past 2 years. With that realization is the fact that I must say my final goodbyes to people who are very dear to my heart. I hope it won't be the last time I see them, but as of yet I cannot yet offer a date for when I will return. I keep mentioning a return to soften the blow of my departure, and I absolutely intend to come back here within the next 5 years, but maybe teasing them with an uncertain return is worse. I am constantly asked to just marry someone here so that I have to stay, or at least come back quite soon. Usually it is an old man who is offering to take me as a second or third wife so that I will stay. Sweet? Sometimes it does makes me laugh. A few of them seem so genuine about it. But alas, I am not marrying anyone in order to stay, nor am I just adding another 6 months or 5 years, as the requests go. I am leaving. It will be tearful and it will hurt my heart to leave so many people I love without knowing when I will see them again. But the time is close at hand.

I have been cleaning out my room and giving away a lot of things. My host siblings think it is a grand time. I try not to get frustrated when they start asking for things. I like giving gifts, but I hate feeling asked to give someone something, or feeling obligated to give things. It takes all the fun out of it. I've gotten better at that here because the culture has built in a system of asking for things, and a system of obligated gift giving when returning from a trip. I suppose there is some of that in the States as well with souvenirs. But still. It is a lesson I continue to learn. I'm not taking much with me, so it is pretty easy to give away most things. I am holding onto a few things though so I can give them to people individually as special gifts right before I leave.

One of my PCV friends is bringing a duffel back to the States for me, so I really only have a single backpack to prep. It is basically all set, so now I am just spending as much time as possible with individuals in my community who I consider friends or family. The emotions of leaving have strongly affected me; it seems that every emotion I feel right now is more heightened. We'll see if I can keep it together. My host dad told me he wants to leave Kaffrine before I leave so he doesn't have to say goodbye. I don't know if he is serious, but I understand his feeling. Part of me wants to sneak out. I doubt I can though. I need goodbyes, even though I hate completing them.

Things aren't all sad. The past few months have been really great actually. I feel accomplished. We had Girls Camp, which was phenomenal. The girls have transformed my hopes for the future of Senegal. We transplanted all the trees at my Women's Group's gardens. There are now over 1000 trees in the ground, ready to protect their gardens. We had a great Open Field Day at my Master Farmer's field. He even incorporated a nutrition training into it. We held a 3 day health and soccer camp with 35 girls in Kaffrine, teaching them about puberty, sex, STIs, HIV, nutrition, and healthy relationships while making it fun with soccer. It was one of the highlights of my service. I'm really going to miss my camp girls. And I've led a lot of informal trainings with women on organic pest control, planting, trees, etc. I am an Ag volunteer afterall. 

On top of all of that I managed to attend the Mangrove Reforestation project where we planted over 100,000 mangrove seedlings in one morning! I led the first team that brought many of the seeds to the spot, carried on our heads up the channel because the tide was so low the boat couldn't get there. I personally think my crew trumped all the other teams who planted, but that may only be because we were there longest (and because we were more bad-ass since no one else had to carry their own seeds like that since they arrived after the tide had started coming in). Also, I visited Touba again, the Senegalese mecca for the main Muslim brotherhood here. It was far less crazy than last time when I went during the annual pilgrimage. And my friends and I got a personal tour through many of the religious buildings, which was awesome (until one of my friends told someone that he wasn't Muslim. Then we weren't allowed in anymore...) We also just celebrated Tabaski, or in the rest of the Muslim world, Eid al-Adha.  It is the festival of the sacrifice and we honored that by sacrificing 3 male sheep.  I may have gotten blood splatter all over my face and clothes when I was too close trying to get a photo of the first slaughter... But after all of that we ate far too much meat for the next 4 days, and in dressed up in new, fancy clothing to walk around and greet people, asking for forgiveness for past wrongdoings and giving blessings for the coming year.  Don't worry, I got dolled up too!

 

Also, today some of the Kaffrine volunteers got together to dig a 2m x 3m x 2m hole in the ground in a small village, to be made into toilets for the brand new school that my good friend Christi erected in honor of her host sister who tragically passed away in May.  Right now there are 140 children ready to start learning in this two-room school.  All that is left are the desks, which are being built as we speak, and then for the teachers to come. It was hard labor in the hot sun, but I think it is a very worthwhile endeavor. Yay for douches! (Yes, that is what toilets are called here. I realize the irony in this statement.)

Needless to say, it has been a whirlwind of activity topped by emotional departure preparation. I leave Kaffrine in a week, Senegal in a week and a half. I'm not ready for that. But I am eager to see what lies ahead. Europe is calling! I get 6 weeks to backpack around Western Europe before I need to get back to the States and figure out my life. Barcelona is my first stop on November 1st! England is my last. And Germany for Thanksgiving with my little brother David. Now to fill in the gaps... Suggestions?

The End Is In Sight

     I have less than 3 months left until my service as an Urban Agriculture Extension Agent for Peace Corps Senegal is over. That is exciting and terrifying at the same time. At the end of this month I will have been living in Senegal for 2 years. In real time that seems like quite awhile, where careers are started, families created, and technology advances at a mind-spinning pace. I suppose in some way, I too have experienced all of those things in my little town in West Africa. Peace Corps will be a experience that I will continue to draw on as I search out where my career may lead, with increased knowledge, patience, and flexibility, along with an entire network of Returned Peace Corps Volunteers (RPCV's) that I can tap into for assistance. I certainly have made a family here, not only by being adopted into the Sylla household in Kaffrine, but also my Peace Corps family, full of fellow volunteers who have shared my highs and lows of service (only a fellow PCV can understand why we would call pooping one's pants a gold star). My exit from this country will be full of emotion. I have had to start some of my goodbyes already, and they haven't exactly been dry-eyed. It will probably only get worse the closer I am to leaving. As for technological advances, I have seen children learn to use electronics that I don't even know yet, and then watch them teach those around them. Villages are beginning to use solar energy to power well pumps, boutiques, and much more. People here have created ingenious ways to recycle everything. I wish more people in the western world were willing to do that. So yes, I guess 2 years really have gone by, and all around the world people are living it as fully as possible. It seems to have gone by far too quickly though.

     I find myself feeling that the Becca of America, pre-Peace Corps, no longer exists, and that the Becca of Senegal won't fit in very well when she tries to fit into her old roles. How do you explain that you are still yourself, but very different at the same time? Perhaps saying my former self no longer exists is not quite true, but I do feel like my experiences the past 2 years have shaped me into a stronger, more resilient individual. It may have been the most difficult 2 years of my life for many varied reasons, and I think that if I were the same person I was before I came, I wouldn't still be here. But I am, and now the next step is to go on and find a new place for myself, full of more experiences that will mold me into a better person. I haven't quite figured out in all of the ways I have changed yet, and I don't think I will until I am confronted with moments that question that. Our minds and wills are malleable, our souls are eager for inspiration. I decided that the only way I could shape my life into what I want it to be is by pursuing those experiences that will force me into a disequilibrium, the optimal place for learning.

     So the next step is to wrap up my service here, slowly make my way back home, and then when I'm in a calm, quiet place, I can begin to digest my experiences and use what I learn to choose my next direction. I know it will take awhile after returning to find that lull, I have many people and places I want to visit upon my return, but it will come, and it will be good. Everyone needs some time to just sit and ponder life. It is one of the things I love about life here: people are willing to just sit with nowhere to go, and nothing to do for that brief bit of time beyond loving that moment of tranquility. I find it best when I sit in my garden, balancing on the edge of the cement water basin, feet splashing in the cool water as I enjoy the light breeze that rustles the leaves of the neem tree above my head. A blissful moment.

     The blessing and curse of my service is that now I am in the height of my abilities, my language is decent, people have come to accept and trust my knowledge, the rains are active and helping everything to grow and flourish, my projects are going well, and inchallah, the harvest will be good. And so I will leave on a high note, but at the same time, two years just isn't enough time to be really effective. If I were here longer, there is so much more I could do, more people I could work with, more communities I could serve. But two years is all I can offer right now. My family back home needs me and I need them. So two years will have to be enough. Perhaps later I can do more.

     With all of that in mind, I intend to make these last few months as memorable as possible. This month I was able to spend a fair amount of time visiting some of my favorite places, including going to Kedougou and cycling out about 50 km each way to reach the breathtakingly beautiful Ingeley waterfall for my birthday. I also went to an Training to teach English and have been holding informal lessons at my house with the children in the neighborhood. Ramadan, the month of fasting is almost over and we will celebrate by killing and eating a goat. This weekend we will begin transplanting the 2000 trees we seeded and cared for the last couple of months. We are preparing for our annual girls camp, which starts August 18^th. I just met with the families of all of the girls I chose from Kaffrine to make sure they will be ready, and I'm working on lessons I will be teaching. And in a month I will join volunteers from around the country for the Mangrove Reforestation project. In the midst of all of those things, I am finishing the paperwork to complete grants, working in my garden, advising my master farmer, and managing the affairs at our regional office. Soon I will will be phasing out of my roles and working to install others to fill the positions, or find a way for projects to sustain themselves through the work of community members.

     A lot to do and to think about over the next couple of months. As of October 31, 2013, I will get my “R” and join the ranks of RPCVs around the world. Then, we'll see what life has in store next.

Where has the time gone?

How could June already be almost over? I'm on the fast track to finishing my service in Senegal and it makes me really uncomfortable when I think about it too much. I will announce my official Close of Service (COS) date in my next update but it will most likely be around the 1^st of November. That means I have a little more than 4 months to get all of my projects to a point where I can comfortably leave them or find someone who can take them over. That also means I have a lot of paperwork to do, grants to complete, PC bucket list items to accomplish, items to give away, items to accumulate, and too many goodbyes. I'm sure I'm missing a lot of things in that list but I don't want to get into everything quite yet.

A couple of weeks ago we had our COS conference, which brought together all of the people who arrived in Senegal with me almost 2 years ago, some of whom I haven't seen since our In-Service Training in February 2012. It was great to see everyone and a few new faces who had transferred here from Mali when it was evacuated last April. This conference was set up to discuss exactly what we need to do before leaving and how to prepare for life post-Peace Corps. The administration offered some really great tools to make the adjustment easier, including resumés, job searches, and graduate school options. I'm glad it forced me to think about some of these things, which I might have procrastinated too long, but at the same time it felt a bit early to jump into thoughts of leaving. Now I can't get my mind off of it. I want to make my last 4 months really worthwhile, but that may prove difficult if I struggle to focus on being in the present. So that being said, we're going to skip to real life updates:

Gardens! I basically live in my garden right now. The rains are right around the corner; we had a decent rain 2 weeks ago which got everyone's hopes up and now the skies are just teasing us. So while we anxiously await the nectar of the gods I'm helping as many women as I can to get tree and vegetable nurseries growing so that soon after the rains become frequent we can transplant into their respective gardens. My two groups of women filled and seeded 1200 tree sacks each and after a few re-seedings we have most sacks growing with little thorny trees that will hopefully become a live fence around their 1 hectare gardens. This is a techniques we promote in Peace Corps Senegal because it offers a cheaper and more long-lasting protection option than a chain-link fence or a fence made of old sticks or millet stalks. I'm eager to see the trees get established and hopefully my replacement can help fill in any gaps next rainy season. We also planted beds of eggplant, bitter tomato (actually a type of eggplant), hot pepper, green pepper, and tomatoes, which will be divided up and transplanted in each woman's plot. Beyond those they will probably grow okra, tropical hibiscus, squash, beans, and whatever other seeds they can find the space to plant. In the dry season they haven't used their garden space because it is on the edge of town and far for everyone, plus trying to pull water from a 35-meter well every day to maintain their crops in this heat was a little absurd. Because of that I'm offering a portion of my garden for them to use for their nurseries, which is more centrally located and has easy access to water (I have a faucet and hose that fill up a large cement water basin in my garden).

Beyond laboring in my garden and helping the women's groups, the school year just ended so I'm wrapping up this year's school gardening project and figuring out how best to get that running again when school reopens in October so that it can survive until my replacement is ready to take it over. I'm also working with a Master Farmer about 10 km away from Kaffrine where we are preparing improved farming experiments and demonstrations for this rainy season. Last week I was out there measuring the the demo plots and discussing which techniques he wants to focus on this season. At the end of the rainy season we will have a big Open Field Day where farmers from all over the region are invited to come out and learn what was done and how well it worked, with the eventual aim that more farmers will adopt some of the techniques he is using.

We raised all the money we needed for this year's Girls Camp! I'm really excited that we can now make this project a reality. I have chosen 7 girls from Kaffrine and we will have a total of 40 girls from all over the tri-region area who will take part in a week of educational and inspirational experiences they would never have had the opportunity for otherwise. It will be held in late August and I'm still working on dance routine to teach (I might have put that on the back burner for a bit with some of my other work...). I'm also going to help with a geography activity, crafts, and overall energy. It's going to be phenomenal.

So right now is a lot of prep work. Most of my projects are either in the labor-intensive preparatory stage or in the wrap-up stage. And yet I still manage to make time for some minor projects as well. I'm helping to host a training about Moringa this weekend, I check up with other notable farmers and help them when needed, I'm still active in the Peer Support Network, I manage the local PC office in Kaffrine, and I'm constantly on the lookout for ridiculous adventures. All together I feel like I'm living a pretty decent life and I am not quite ready to give it up in order to return to whatever America has in store for me. All in due time.

P.S. In my efforts to combat the heat and because I think this is the best time in my life to experiment, I shaved my head.  It was one of the best decisions I've made in awhile!

Getting back on my feet

First and foremost, I want to thank the countless people who have reached out to me over the past few months to offer love and support in my time of need. Your thoughts and words have really touched me. I honestly didn't realize how many people keep up with what is happening in my world. I know there are a lot of expectations for my work in Senegal, and I'm not sure if I always live up to them, but I am striving to fulfill my own aspirations to create an environment of mutual learning and growth.

This past month I have worked really hard to get back on my feet and to renew my energy for the projects that I have currently. It hasn't always been easy, and sometimes I have to take a moment to just let my emotions have some time. Right now I am working with 6 elementary schools in Kaffrine that are establishing gardens as a teaching tool for their students. I check up with each school every week to make sure their gardens are on track and to teach gardening techniques that they can then teach to their students. This month I also started to work with the local high school to set up a school garden and they have cleared a space, put up a fence, and are in the process of getting access to water from one of the buildings. I'm excited to see how that will turn out because the students are much older and only those who are interested in gardening will come to the classes we are setting up.

Kaffrine invitees for Girls Camp 2012

This week I interviewed girls from 3 different middle schools to choose the best girls (grades, motivation to continue their education, and willingness to learn new things from another culture) in 5ieme (approximately 8^th grade) for our annual girls camp.Volunteers from the regions of Kaolack, Fatick, and Kaffrine are putting it together in conjuction with Senegalese camp counselors for 40 girls for one week in August. I took part in it last year and it was an incredibly rewarding experience. This year I am the regional coordinator for the selection process and hopefully by this time next month I will know the names all all 14 girls from the region who will be attending. It is a great opportunity for the girls, many of whom have never left their region or seen the ocean, to go to a resort in the mangroves where we will have themed activities each day to teach the girls about their health, environment, identities, gender, and possible future careers. I will be teaching dance again and am currently on the lookout for some fun, yet easy to learn dance steps for the girls. Last year I taught two different types of dance but I think I'm just going to stick with one that they can easily remember and perform at our closing ceremony. If you love helping underprivileged girls, please take a moment to donate to make Girls Camp 2013 happen. The camp is made possibly purely through outside donations. And the best part is that you will receive a hand-written letter from one of the girls! 

Another project that I'm working on right now is to create a live fence of thorny trees for the garden spaces of two women's groups. We had the training last Saturday on how to fill tree sacks, seed them, take care of them, and then how to transplant them in a few months when the rains come. I had 2500 sacks for this so I gave each group 1250 and the next day women showed up to my garden and started sifting sand and manure, mixing it together, and then filling tree sacks. As of today, one group has already done 1000, and the other has done 650. So hopefully by Sunday they will all be done and we can seed them next week before I leave for a conference and then vacation.

Those are my current highlight projects, but I also have small activities that take up my time as well. I currently manage the Peace Corps office in Kaffrine and we just hosted the new trainees who are going to be place in Kaffrine next month. So now I am working on pre-ordering certain items for them so they don't have to worry about picking up everything they need for their new homes in the 2 days they will be given between arriving in the city and being taken to their new homes to be installed. I remember how overwhelming that time was for me, so hopefully getting these things will make the process a little less hectic. This weekend there is also a graffiti project being put together by an Italian non-profit (NGO) who work to get assistance for people with handicaps and their families. The graffiti art is one of the best tools they have found to teach students and communities about important topics like this. I have become good friends with the couple who run this NGO and I'm looking forward to helping out with this project.

So yes, I'm staying busy and working with as many people as possible who are interested in what I have to teach. I enjoy my time here and I know that when I leave it will be really difficult. I love the people I have met here and I continue to learn new things everyday. There are so many things here that I think I take for granted now, and things that don't even phase me that might have before. Like today, as I was locking up my garden one of the women took off her top and asked if she could leave it there so she would have some work clothes for tomorrow. Of course I had no problem with it and didn't even think twice about if she had something else to put on because then she proceeded to walk topless back to the trees where the other women were waiting. Apparently she did have another top and she put it on before we walked across town, but it wouldn't have surprised me if she had just tied her wrap skirt over her chest before making the trek home.

There is always a lot that I can share about my life and service here, and I know I don't ever say enough, but if you have any questions or comments I would love to hear them. Also, if there is some topic here you want me to address, I would be more than happy to share my experiences and opinions relating to it.  

It needs to be said

Dear World,

I know I haven't written in awhile. There is a perfectly good reason for that. In fact, the only reason I'm writing now is because I feel like I need to get some things off my chest. Firstly, thank you to those people who reached out to me and my family in our time of need. It was very kind. I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to most anyone, but I really do appreciate the sentiment. Since my last update in November, I've done some really great work, had delightful adventures, and then watched it all come crashing around me last month when my mom called me to tell me that my oldest brother had committed suicide. Suddenly none of the work I had been doing seemed to matter. My world was shattered with only a few words.

Honestly, I had no intention of going to the States at all during my service. I knew it would be a mentally shaking experience because I've cut a lot of things out of my life that seem so important there. Mostly material things, but also I have been shifting my worldview to try to see things in larger scheme of things. What I'm getting at is that I was in no way prepared for the very sudden decision to go home. (It was less of a decision and more a feeling that there is nowhere else I could imagine myself.) So in a daze I contacted PC admin with the help of a friend because I was still struggling putting coherent sentences together through the tears.

I want to take a moment to say that everyone who helped me in this process, host family, Senegalese and PC friends, and most especially PC Administration in Senegal were absolutely amazing. I was in some of the best hands possible for dealing with this situation. By the time I arrived in Dakar office hours were long over, but there was a dedicated crew still there to make sure that I had emotional support I needed and that I could get on a plane that same night. That alone was enough to make me emotional. I know there is no way possible to ever thank them enough, but hopefully one day I can show them the gratitude I feel.

A grueling 36 hours after my mom called me, I was in Salt Lake City, Utah, in running into the arms of my dear big sister, Missie. All the emotions I tried to repress during the long trek were finally able to gush out in the safest environment possible. There is nothing like sharing your broken soul to someone who understands exactly what you are going through because they are dealing with it too.

Over the next couple of days the rest of my family arrived and we had the first reunion of my very expansive family in many years. Very few things could make that happen. I wish this hadn't been one of those. But at least I was able to see everyone. I think that is one of the few consolations of my trip: I spent time with family and a few close friends. It was an absolutely exhausting and emotionally tumultuous trip. The States is weird. I really didn't know how to handle it. I think I went on autopilot a bit so that I didn't have to deal with too many stimuli at once. Grief trumps all.

I lost my big brother, the one who spoiled me when I was little, who taught me archery and sparked my youngest memories of wanderlust as I heard him describe his various adventures and mishaps. Somehow our paths diverged over the years as he grew up and I did too. I don't think he knew how much I looked up to him and then later how much I wanted to be his equal, his compatriot. He cut my family out of his life a few months ago, and as much as I didn't think it was fair because we had never had a bad relationship, I could do very little from my post in Senegal. And now it's too late to change.

I didn't write this for sympathy. The point of my blog is to let people who care about me know what I'm up to. I came back to Senegal 3 weeks ago because it seemed silly to do anything else. I had two weeks in America and while I had the option to stay longer, I don't think I could have handled it. I'm glad I came back. This is my home right now and I very much want to finish my service here. To be honest though, I'm not back to my old self yet. I know they say that time heals all wounds, but I would sure like it to hurry up. I'm riding this emotional roller coaster, hoping it doesn't have too many more unexpected twists and drops for awhile.

So in the meantime, I'm allowing myself mental health days as needed. I stayed with some friends in Toubacouta shortly after returning because they had visitors from America and I love seeing how people react differently around people who they've had relationships with pre-Peace Corps. I know I acted differently when my sister and her fiancé came to visit. It was really easy to fall into the little sister roll, but at times it did contrast sharply with my PC persona and the personal growth that I have experienced here. When that happened I had to step back and consciously change how I responded. I did that somewhat when I was home too, but to a lesser degree because it wasn't so glaringly obvious when removed from my PC world. But I have changed. I have overcome mental hurdles while adapting to a completely foreign environment. I'm not done growing though. I think when I finally find peace with the death of my brother I will be a more capable, competent person. And who knows what other experiences await over the next 8 months and beyond. So here's to riding the wave until I finally settle on a gentle sun-kissed shore.